“It must have
shrunk 'cause it doesn’t reach the oil any more.”
Genoa a good sailmaker?
did they transfer you off that
“I had a habit of sleeping with the window
“Never test the depth of the water with
Why do opera singers make good sailors?
Because they can handle high seas.
to the GPS you know
where you are, you can check your position against the sextant,
see the difference, note any little errors, gradually correct
them and become almost as good as the GPS
Part B, Section I, Rule 5 Every
vessel must at all times keep a
proper look-out by sight, hearing and all available means in
order to judge if risk of collision exists.
"Radar seems to be on the
don’t panic!! The
GPS says there is
clear water ahead, the fish finder says we have plenty of depth,
the iPad Ap says we are on course……."
The enraged female crew member
the skipper’s wife.
“Your husband keeps trying to
hold me and
kiss me,” she complained.
“Oh sure, honey,” said the
wife, “he was like that with me when we first got married. But
don’t worry, he soon gets over it.”
those water skis you got for your birthday?”
“Nah, I never did find a lake with enough of a
Oh I must go down to the sea again
To sail o’er the wind and the surf
Though I'm not all that keen
If you see what I mean
But I must get my money’s worth. (Des Sleightholme)
The Thirsty Sailor.
thirsty sailor runs from his boat to the nearest bar and shouts to the
bartender, "Give me twenty shots of your best scotch, quick!"
The bartender pours out the shots, and the sailor drinks them as fast
as he can.
The bartender is very impressed and exclaims, "Wow. I never saw anybody
drink that fast."
The sailor replies, "Well, you'd drink that fast too, if you had what I
The bartender says, "Oh my God! What is it? What do you have ?"
"Fifty cents !"
a man a fish and feed him for a day.
Give him a fishing lesson and he'll sit in a boat drinking beer every
( Alex Blackwell)
Two guys are fishing in a boat
under a bridge.
One looks up and sees a funeral
starting across the bridge.
He stands up, takes off his
cap, and bows his
The procession crosses the
bridge and the man puts
on his cap, picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing.
The other guy says, "That was
touching. I didn't
know you had it in you."
The first guy responds, "Well,
I guess it was the
least thing I could do, after all I was married to her for 40
question, "When were
your spirits at their loest ebb?"
answer seemed to
"When the gin
(Sir Francis Chichester)
it’s too dangerous to boil water.
But as I’m a
nutritionist acknowledges that I have to eat chocolate each
"There is nothing so distressing as
ashore, unless there is also doubt as to which continent the
shore belongs." ( Lecky )
Is that supposed to be funny?
Did you think it was funny dear?
Not as funny as that Puffin above.
Well I think its funny.
What's the difference between a
lawyer and a dock line?
should be whipped at both
other keeps your boat tied
to the dock.
"There is but a plank between a sailor and eternity." (Thomas Gibbons)
A fisherman was
lying on a beautiful beach,
with his fishing pole propped up in the sand and his solitary line cast
out into the sparkling blue surf.
Along came a businessman came walking down the beach, trying to relieve
some of the stress of his workday.
He noticed the fisherman sitting on the beach and decided to find out
this fisherman was fishing instead of working harder to make a living
himself and his family." You aren't going to catch many fish that way,"
said the businessman to the fisherman, "you should be working rather
lying on the beach!"
The fisherman looked up at the businessman, smiled and replied, "And
will my reward be?"
"Well, you can get bigger nets and catch more fish!" was the
“And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman, still
The businessman replied, "You will make money and you'll be able to buy
boat, which will then result in larger catches of fish!"
"And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman again.
The businessman was beginning to get a little irritated with the
fisherman's questions. "You can buy a bigger boat, and hire some people
to work for you!" he said.
“And then what will my reward be?" repeated the fisherman.
The businessman was getting angry. "Don't you understand? You can build
up a fleet of fishing boats, sail all over the world, and let all your
employees catch fish for you!"
Once again the fisherman asked, "And then what will my reward be?"
The businessman was red with rage and shouted at the fisherman, "Don't
you understand that you can become so rich that you will never have to
work for your living again! You can spend all the rest of your days
sitting on this beach, looking at the sunset. You won't have a care in
The fisherman, still smiling, looked up and said, "And what do you
I'm doing right now?"
cruising couple are
wrecked and drown, they find themselves at the Pearly Gates, where
lines are taken by St. Peter himself.
"There doesn't seem to be much record of you, good or bad," he says.
I'm going to let you decide for yourselves whether you go to heaven or
First let me describe them for you.
On the one hand, you could
spend eternity in cramped quarters, your beds a few inches shorter than
you are tall, your food and water always rationed, and a shower
you could only dream of."
"And what about hell?" the couple asked.
When is a boat not a boat? - when it's aground.
"Any damn fool
can navigate the
world sober. It takes a really good sailor to do it drunk." (Sir Francis
So Susan went to the local paper to put a notice in the
The gentleman at the counter, after offering his condolences,
asked Susan what she would like to say about Charlie.
Susan replied, "Just put, 'Charlie died.'"
The gentleman, somewhat perplexed, said, "That's it? Just
Surely, there must be something more you'd like to say about
Charlie. If it's money you're concerned about, the first five
words are free. We really should say something more."
So Susan pondered for a few minutes and finally said, "O.K.,
then. You put 'Charlie
Sailboat for sale'.
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I am perfectly aware that the majority of Wooden Boat aficionados are sensible folk. However, I need to point out that I am an amateur wooden boat enthusiast simply writing in order to try to help other amateur wooden boat enthusiasts. And while I take every care to ensure that the information in DIY Wood Boat.com is correct, anyone acting on the information on this website does so at their own risk.